I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
