OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
