Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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