cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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