I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
it's like iHOP with fire
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
