just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
