So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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