how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
