he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
