I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
