I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Randomize
