he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
