why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
