apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
