Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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