You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
