there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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