i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
