Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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