i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
