well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
