Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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