If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
