just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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