I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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