smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
