I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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