i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
