I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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