You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
