You're a womanizer and a bitch.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
