Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
