Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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