Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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