My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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