physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
