Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
