Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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