i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
