wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
