K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
