you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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