yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
His nipple licking is glorious
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