omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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