So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
