Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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