you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
