You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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