I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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