I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
