I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
